"When the student is ready, the teacher appears."

...I wonder who my teacher will be.

I hope she/he is awesome. 

I'm a little weary about dreaming of my teacher...but I heard somewhere that new moms can dream of their fetuses/babies before they are born. Maybe it's kind of the same thing...? When you love something so much and you put yourself out there, and you vibe with positivity and gratitude so hard, the Universe (...or God... Jesus... Spirit... Great Mystery...) can't help but grace you with your heart's ultimate desire... A Yoga Teacher!

[...or whatever it is you're praying/meditating/yearning/longing for...]

Oooh, I hope I can meet my yoga teacher soon!

* correction: I hope I am ready to meet my yoga teacher soon!

http://www.yoganonymous.com/ready-set-attract-the-right-teacher-for-you

Turning In

Transitioning back to life in LA after yoga teacher training (YTT) weekends in the mountains is proving to be an interesting part of my journey. 

• I am beyond exhausted, yet I still feel so grounded and centered. 

• I can stay calm and peaceful and ride my yoga euphoria/ high anywhere from 1-7 days post-return. • I cling/clench (unnaturally...?) hard to the very present mindset and feelings of tranquility and knowing and peace longer than I probably should...

Waking up to the sound of rain this morning made me feel good. I felt so blessed/grateful and wicked connected with the earth. It was in a beautifully unique way that, until now, I was only able to experience when deeply integrated/ in tune with the nature that engulfs my YTT weekends. 

I had a very strong urge to honor and acknowledge Mother Earth for the rain and the plethora of abundant blessing she bestows upon me. I didn't quite know how to go about doing so- my prayers of gratitude just feel like enough. So... I busted out my Sacred Path and Medicine Cards... 

...and these are the cards I drew today: 1- PIPE. And 5- BEAR.

Perfect. :)

First of the month

It is pretty freaking awful to work really hard for a ridiculously small paycheck.

I age myself with anxiety at the beginning of every month because of money worries/woes.

I should be celebrating and enjoying the newness of possibilities and beginnings that I  am blessed with.

I know this.

Yet it still takes me a couple days... until all my bills/checks clear... to calm down and smile a sincere smile and relax.

I am tense and nervous.

I love seeing my bank account grow!

I hate seeing it shrink. :(

It won't always be this hard. 

I know this.

My hard work * W I L L * pay off and I will reap all the benefits of my efforts!

I know this.

...this journey sure is humbling, though.

Praying... Hoping... Wishing... Grinding... Every day. 

amen.

Cool or creepy...?

At what age does doing something solo stop being cool and turn into creepy?

By "doing something solo", I am referring to attending a very public, all ages, event. (...such as a concert, or race, or sporting event, etc.)

Is the concept of "cool" and/or "creepy" dependent on the mindset of the solo individual or the majority of the crowd that surrounds the individual?

Is doing something solo ALWAYS cool?

Is doing something solo ALWAYS creepy?

Can doing something solo have elements of both cool and creepy? Or must it be one or the other?

Solo AVAS Project is so much more than the name of this blog... this is my life.

I do (most) things solo.

OITNB

I was all about this show...until yesterday.

There are a few, very specific things in movies and TV shows that cause me to have a physical reaction to what I'm seeing. 

'A physical reaction' as in a migraine... or feeling dizzy/light headed/out of breath... or nauseous... or fainting... or instant diarrhea (weird, I know)... or throwing up. 

'Things' such as senseless violence and/or torture for sport - a la 'Gladiator'; and any kind of rape scene.

Don't get me wrong- I love me a good action/adventure movie. The more explosions and suspense the better! The good guy fighting (and beating!) the bad guy - hell yes! Go Good Guy! The underdog battling hard and winning the day! Whooo! YEAH! But when it comes to hand-to-hand, bare knuckled, bloody and gory fighting for someone else's entertainment - without just cause - I cannot handle it. It physically makes me ill.

Confession: I have never watched 'Gladiator' from start to finish. I could barely get through the first 10 mins. It made me nauseous and I threw up. I didn't even know I could do that until I started to watch 'Gladitor.' The guy I was dating at the time was just as surprised as I was that I had such a strong reaction to the beginning of the freaking movie. Hahaa! There went a fun date night... down the toilet... oh well.

I have never been the victim of rape. The amount of evil in the intent to rape is what messes with my head and physically makes me ill. 

I love-love-LOVE 'Sons of Anarchy'. Yet, when Gemma gets kidnapped and repeatedly gang raped by the neo-nazi skinheads, I crapped my pants (not literally...but I totally lost my sh*t). I was sick for several DAYS after I saw that episode and I had to take a long, long break from watching SOA because of that episode/season. I just could not handle it.

I was very curious about 'Bates Motel' when it first appeared. But the part early on where a big, scary man chases Mrs. Bates around the kitchen and then violently rapes her when he catches her, f*cked with my head so much that I passed out. I lost my breath then lost some consciousness. It was just too much. 

Enter the highly-anticipated S3 of OITNB.

Kudos, E9: you made me throw up+. One rape scene just wasn't enough... right? You had to do two. And having a minute to breathe between the rape scenes was asking too much, wasn't it? Because they just had to be back-to-back. Wow. I can't even...

That's it for me.

I'm done.

This show is off my radar.

...which sucks because I love it! I want to know how everything goes!

But I can't.

I need some time.

Those rape scenes... they were just too much for me. I still feel so sick.

:(

Postal Service Roulette

I am the co-MC for a wedding next week (on Friday, 09/04/2015).

I just ordered my dress for the wedding from this awesome Etsy shop today: thedaintyard https://www.etsy.com/shop/thedaintyard 

It is being shipped from Singapore.

S i n g • a • p o r e . 

Usually shipping takes 2-3 weeks. 

I got the "express shipping" option...which states that it can take 1 week.

Here's to hoping/wishing/praying that it will pass customs in a timely manner and arrive next week!

...a game of Postal Service Roulette, anyone??

Sure.

Why the heck not?!

I'm not even nervous about this.

I'm totally feeling good about this.

I will have my dress in time!

I just know it will come through! :)

I spread my wings and fly...

https://instagram.com/p/6nZqIaNLOR/

Shout out to Maggie

The best internship I ever had was working for a woman named Maggie and her web site (RIP) called NewLadderToSuccess.com. We met at coffee shop a couple times a week in Irvine and she taught me about the importance of building a solid community of ambitious, goal-oriented, dream-chasing, strong-willed, successful business women. Maggie's vision for NewLadderToSuccess.com was to have a single spot on the world wide web where women could collaborate, support, and encourage one another to pursue their dreams of financial independence, starting a business, balancing a career and motherhood, and the like. She had a goal for NewLadderToSuccess.com to be a resource for women wanting change their lives in a positive way by providing tips, tricks, and templates to get from 'point A' to 'point B'; as well as a safe place for women who have reached (some of) their goals to share their stories.

I was lucky enough to be chosen as the intern to maintain the site and update it regularly with content that was pre-approved by Maggie. I was also able to interview some successful business women/published authors and write articles about the upcoming releases of their books.
...Right out of college, I had no idea how much these experiences and wonderful, valuable lessons would impact me!

...until now.


It was a very short time that I was able to work with Maggie and learn from her. We are no longer in touch today, yet from time-to-time, I think of her and wish her well. I am so very grateful for that experience!

Wherever you are today, Maggie, I just know you must be happy and thriving. I hope you are able to sit back and marvel at all of your successes! You are a go-getter, a hard worker, a great role model. I thank you for your time, attention, patience, and expertise. To this day, I am still honored and humbled by that summer we got to work together. The spirit of NewLadderToSuccess.com has always stayed with me. Thank you!

PiYo Live Certified

So... I did it.
I signed up to get certified as a group fitness instructor for PiYo... and I PASSED. !!!!!.

OMG.
I did it.
And I passed.
And it was AWESOME!
And I am so stoked, I can't even see straight.

I've never had confidence in my abilities like this, before.
...I really like it.

I know I'm an Aries and can have really arrogant tendencies...but this is different.
It feels so different.
I can walk the walk AND talk the talk.
In a really humble, yet strongly-present way. Without being arrogant.
:)

...I really like it.

This is the first day of the rest of my life.

This is a whole new beginning.

This is ONLY the beginning!

There is so much more to come... I just know it. :)

And I am ready for it. And I welcome it! With wide open arms/eyes/ears/heart/mind/body/soul! I am so very excited for what is coming up for me...I don't even know what it is, but I know it is going to be RAD. !!!.

Thank you God...Jesus...Universe...Great Mystery...all the saints, angles, spirits, holy people in heaven and on earth who have been with me throughout my life. I can't thank you enough for everything you have done and continue to do for me. :) This win is for you, too! We worked hard to get here! haha! Please continue to watch over me and protect me and bless me. We have so much more work to do. xo

It's a shame. NO- it's a celebration!

I realized recently (...as in within the last 10 mins...), that most of my life I have felt ashamed.

• Ashamed of my skin color.

• Ashamed of the texture, thickness, and curl of my hair.

• Ashamed of my name.

• Ashamed of my family.

• Ashamed of my house.

• Ashamed of my flute-playing abilities. 

• Ashamed of my drawing abilities.

• Ashamed of my baseball-playing abilities.

• Ashamed of my basketball-playing abilities.

• Ashamed of my cheerleading abilities.

• Ashamed of my dancing abilities.

• Ashamed of my daydreams.

• Ashamed of my body.

• Ashamed of my being a band geek.

• Ashamed of my passion for Shakespeare.

• Ashamed of my femininity.

• Ashamed of my vulnerability.

• Ashamed of my desire to want more.

• Ashamed of my thirst/quest to learn more.

• Ashamed of my unknown/undecided future.

• Ashamed of my status as a transfer-student.

• Ashamed of my biracial herritage.

• Ashamed of my sexual orientation.

• Ashamed of my openness and adaptability to try/experience new things.

• Ashamed of my religion.

• Ashamed of my spirituality.

• Ashamed of my two jobs.

• Ashamed of my three jobs.

• Ashamed of being dumped... again... and again...

• Ashamed of being forgotton. 

• Ashamed of being left behind. 

• Ashamed of being intentionally left out.

• Ashamed of being too old.

• Ashamed of being too young.

• Ashamed of being bored.

• Ashamed of being poor.

• Ashamed of having people skills.

• Ashamed of not having science skills. 

• Ashamed of being a late bloomer.

• Ashamed of playing with makeup.

• Ashamed of my dirty f*cking mouth.

• Ashamed of my enthusiasm/zeal and zest for life.

• Ashamed of my line process.

• Ashamed of my one job.

• Ashamed of my strength(s).

• Ashamed of my weakness(es).

• Ashamed of my singleness.

• Ashamed of my greatness.

• Ashamed of being/feeling ashamed.

It's a shame that there is all this shame!

For each one of my shames (listed above from elementary school through college), I can vividly recall a sense of joy and contentment; feelings of pleasure and inclusion, accomplishment and freedom. 

For each one of my shames (listed above from elementary school through college), I can vividly recall a comment or statement or scenario or conversation with someone who said something to me that made me feel feel horrible about myself, and therefore ashamed. 

It's funny how wisdom manifests itself over time.

Most of my shames (listed above from elementary school through college), no longer cripplingly embarrass me.

Most of my shames (listed above from elementary school through college), are now causes for most of my celebrations!

Resu...who?? ResuME!

This entire day has been dedicated to my resume. By month's end, I * WILL * have a new job. 

The time is right...isn't it, God?

The signs are everywhere...aren't they, Universe?

With a better job, comes more money. With more more money, comes peace of mind (with the relief of some financial burdens).

With peace of mind, comes less stress and self-induced pressure.

With less stress and self-induced pressure, comes joy and the ability to be present in the moment and fully appreciate the beauty and blessings that are all around.

With joy and the ability to be present in the moment and fully appreciate the beauty and blessings that are all around, comes pure, authentic, genuine happiness.

With pure, authentic, genuine happiness... my soul is alive. 

My soul is alive when I sincerely happy.

I am ready to give myself permission to see...feel...experience...and create that pure, genuine, authentic joy! The kind of joy my heart and soul craves. 

I am open and willing to do what it takes to set my soul... set my heart ...a blaze. So I can feel alive...and connected...and loved...!!!

I am ready.

Resu...ME!

To anyone who receieves my resume, Idedicate this prayer of kindness and compassion to you: please keep an open heart and mind - and open eyes - when reviewing my information and considering me for the position. Please know that I will work hard, learn a lot, and make you proud. Please know that something about your job ad and/or company intrigued me- and I believe we will be a great fit for one another. Thank you for your time and attention! I greatly appreciate your consideration.

:)

'F*ck That', A Guided Meditation for the Realities of Today's World

"..Those b*tches can't get under your skin. They can't even..."

YouTube
Laughing Squid

"You have been Recognized"

07.02.15.

Wow! I recieved an email today from my friend and co-worker with an appreciation certificate for one of the company's "values": Service.

I am so humbled.

I have no words.

I feel so honored!

I am so happy that somebody noticed me!

The office I work in is tough- positive reinforcement, kind words, encouragement and support, in general, from upper management is not high on anyone's priority list. The co-workers I've connected with - the friends I've made here - have all been pleasant surprise bonding experiences. Basically, we exchange coping mechanisms for the negativity and hostility that infects this company. 

We support and encourage each other. 

We boost each other up.

We listen to each other's frustrations.

We dry each other's tears.

We celebrate each other's victories.

I work with/around an incredible bunch of kind-hearted, ambitious, creative, funny, intelligent, talented, lovely, amazing people.

This is the first time in any job that I've had in my adult life, that I have been recognized like this by one of my peers. I am so humbled by this.

The nerd in me wishes these awards actually meant something and that upper management took note and/or saw and cared about them...but I'm pretty sure that's not the case. Oh well. Those kids upstairs are truly missing out on getting to know us awesome worker-bees. We're so rad! Totally their loss.

I first learned about the "Recognition/Appreciation Program" towards the end of 2014. I honestly • L O V E • the idea of this program! It is nice to have a platform to formally acknowledge and recognize the efforts and good deeds of co-workers and employees. I am such a huge fan of and advocate for celebrating people and their accomplishments- this program was totally made for me! Hahaa! It is right up my alley. :) It is a safe and accessible opportunity for me to be my true, happy, grateful, honest, authentic self. [...which is hard in my office/company because of all the hostility/negativity...]. 

I have challenged myself to observe and honor at least 3 of my co-workers every month. So many people work so hard, here, and their positive, outstanding efforts are rarely adressed and/or acknowledged. I have made it a mission/goal to brighten up my corner of the office by sharing some kind, truthful/honest words of gratitude with people I interact with/work with regularly. It is really fun and easy for me to do - so I do it. :)

I was daydreaming not too long ago about what it would be like to receive the email that someone sent me a recognition certificate... silly, I know. I know what it feels like to send the certificate/email, but not receive it- so I was curious... And I just have to say: it is so much better than anything I could have imagined! This gesture is so far from insignificant! When the only feedback you get is negative feedback, this pleasant reminder that you matter really, really makes a difference. It totally means a lot. 

I sincerely appreciate the time, effort, and energy that goes into filling out the recognition form. Hahaa. Thank you, my friend, for seeing me. You have truly touched my heart! You have made coming into the office bearable for another day. :)

Discover It

I did it: I signed up for my very own credit card...and I got approved! I am absolutely terrified if it, but I know I need to use it so I can better my situation.

Hi, my name is Alexeyeva; and I have a very vivid, realistic fear of debt.

I am very aware of how much money I DO NOT HAVE- so the feelings that come with financial burdens are nothing new. However, purposefully creating more dissonance and stress by buying things with money I don't have causes me to loose my breath. I physically forget how to breathe sometimes because it is so nerve wracking and uncomfortable.

...yet it is necessary. Unfortunately, embarrassingly, humbling and humiliatingly necessary. 

It wasn't always like this, you know. 

I never used to have to struggle like this... before my Gma Catherine died. That year I was homeless ate up all my savings. My cushion... my grad school fund... my travel fund... everything: GONE.

I am still so sad at that.

I'm getting better - after all it's nearly been 3 years. I am still rebuilding from that traumatic/dark time, though. I am still grieving so many losses from that horrible experience.

I am so sad that all my years of savings were wiped out due to such unnecessary and extreme circumstances that were maddeningly, 100% beyond my control.

I made it through, though.

I rolled with all punches, though.

I tended to my wounds and still know how to smile.

I survived all that betrayal and bitterness and resentment.

I am thriving.

...I don't have my big bank accounts any more, but I have my dignity, my pride. I'm re-defining my sense of self; I'm acknowledging my divine purpose. I'm learning to love and appreciate the skin I'm in. My true, honest, raw, authentic, magnificently flawed self is actually a woman I enjoy! I never gave her enough credit (haha! Pun intended). It's time for her to come out to play. :)

I have put my plans/hopes/dreams on the back burner for a really long time. Deep down I never felt like I deserved it- to work hard to get the things I want and to be happy. Still working through that rubbish...and getting better at loving myself every day. :)

I owe it to myself to be brave, right now. I wanted to be in a different place by now- but I'm not. I wanted to have a stronger grasp on my finances by now- but I don't. Truth be told: I work my a$s off at a sh*tty job for sh*tty pay. [whoop-a-dee-dooo...nothing new.] I can pay my bills- so I have a lot to be grateful for [thank you!]. I just want more out of life. I need more in my brain and in my day than - this -. And now I have an opportunity to pursue more...thanks to this credit card.

• I am honoring my soul and my goddess within and putting myself through yoga teacher training.

• I am honoring the wisdom of my mother and sister and going back to school. 

• I have created my Dream Boards for accountability and inspiration and I am ready to get to work!

I feel so blessed to be afforded the opportunity to follow some of my own immediate dreams/goals/aspirations. It's about time...and this time is • m y • t i m e . It's all about • m e • right now. And this feels good!

I'm not an over-spender or irresponsible when it comes to money. This card doesn't temp in ways it probably should. It has a specific purpose: to fund my future endeavours. That is the only purpose it will serve.

I was so thorough in my research; I was very specific with my prayers. I decided on this card for a number of reasons that work for me and my current situation. I am happy it has finally arrived. I have nothing else holding me back...but me. It's time for to get out if my own way.

It's time for me to • D I S C O V E R • my best self...with the help of my beautiful, new Discover card.

This is the feeling...

Aaahhh.

So this is what it feels like to have a good day at work.

This is what it feels like to be satisfied after a hard day's work.

This is what it feels like to be proud of the efforts I put forth to complete the tasks-at-hand.

This is what it feels like to be part of a winning team. 

This is what it feels like to be a genuine team player.

This is what it feels like to be acknowledged for a job well done. 

This is what it feels like to have a good day at work!

This!

This!

THIS!

This is how I want to feel every day at the end of the day!

This is the feeling I never thought I would have again.

This is the feeling I thought I no longer deserved to feel. 

This is the feeling that gives me hope for the future.

This is the feeling that ignites my imagination.

This is the feeling that makes my pulse race with excitement.

This is the feeling that puts a smile on my face. 

This is the feeling that fills my heart to all of its edges.

This is the feeling I want to - I need to - hold on to.

Because...

This is the feeling of joy.

Confidence in clarity

I am so grateful for honest communication - especially when I am granted clarity with/from a conversation.

HONEST communication... Not to be confused with OPEN AND HONEST communication.

Being open involves a level of transparency- free from assumptions and judgments, with the ability to listen well without jumping to conclusions or getting defensive.

From my perspective, a conversation can be horrible...yet if/when both parties are honest and - even if just for brief second - I am able to get a glimpse of understanding of/from where the other person is coming from (achieved by listening with the heart, not with the ego), I deem it a success.

We are constantly telling each other who we really are - with and without words. Some of us are much better at listening... observing... catching on...than others.

I was giving someone and some thing the benefit of the doubt - as I often do... until this afternoon. After an hour+ long conversation, I am led to believe that 1- it is pointless to try to have a connection-esque type of conversation with this person; and 2- things will never change. Comments blurted out and actions taken - and inactions taken - throughout the conversation have been logged in my memory. Such a shame.

I am done. 

I am officially done! 

And it feels so good!

Thank you for showing me your true colors. I can confidently say that I am not interested in polluting ("coloring") my life with any of the shades of condescension, detachment, judgment, or entitlement that fill your crayon box. Under different circumstances and a different corporate umbrella, I imagine that we would have worked well together. That's not the case; that's not our story. I hope your children never have a boss like you when they get into the work place.

I am grafeful for our interaction. Now I know where you stand. And now I know where I stand with you. This clarity is priceless (especially since you said I am not eligible for a merit increase)! 

I officially give myself permission to make peace with this nearly-two-year (negative... toxic... hostile... traumatic) ordeal. 

I officially have the peace of mind that I was seeking. 

I feel confident with this new found clarity!

My confidence will sustain me.

My strength will help me endure the tough time that I forsee ahead.

My faith and ability to dream BIG will keep me motivated to move forward. ALWAYS.

My tenacity and perseverence will guide me to greater, more fulfilling opportunities. 

My capacity to love will keep me humble and help me honor myself and my soul.

My forgiving nature releases me the chains and limits and boundaries I forced upon myself in order to please you.

My accepting spirit acknowledges you right where you are on your journey - today; in this moment.

In these acts, I am set free.

In these acknowledgements, I am set free.

In these thoughts, I am set free.

There is so much confidence in clarity!

Because there is clarity, I am set free.

I am set free!

...free to be ME. 

Am I on the right track? ... Am I doing it/this right?

"Am I on the right track?"

"Am I doing it/this right?"

These are the questions I constantly and consistently ask myself.

When I visit my auntie in Montana over the holidays, she includes me in her morning ritual of drawing cards from the Sacred Path Cards deck, Medicine Cards deck, and Lakota Sweat Lodge Cards deck. It has become our traidtion then to sit with the cards we drew and talk about how awesome the Universe is because the cards are just so on point with whatever we have going on in our lives.

I have finally granted myself permission to purchase my own set of cards and they arrived over the weekend! Today is my first draw from the Sacred Path Cards and the Medicine Cards. 

WHOA.

I am so pleased with these cards- I am excited and nervous to dive deeper into myself and my life (in general) - but the sign I was searching for and/or the outward validation that I (thought) I needed about the path I'm currently traveling on have been manifested. 

I • A M • on the right track!

I • A M • doing it/this right!

I prayed over the Sacred Path Cards for wisdom, strength, clarity, and guidance... and then I pulled the Dreamtime card. I wanted to know what totem animal would accompany my Dreamtime card today, and here appeared Bear. 

The readings in the books that accompany these cards go hand-in-hand. :)

I knew I had my work cut out for me when I started on this journey of yoga and unconditional self-love, appreciation, and acceptance. These cards pulled today are perfect proof.

I have some hard decisions to make, soon... But I know they will result in my much needed/sought-after peace of mind and expansion of heart. Until I am ready to solidify those plans/decisions, I will continue to dream big, seek the truth around me and in me, speak my truth, live my truth, keep an open mind to all of the possibilities and opportunities that may arise- or seek me, and have the strength to turn inward whenever necessary- to rest, reflect, meditate, get centered...so I can be reborn with the rising of the sun and face the challenges of the day with wisdom, sophistication, patience, and grace. 

Ew... A whaaaat??!

Ew.

I have a bunion on my foot. My right foot! It has a bunion. 

According to medicaldictionary.com, my foot is deformed. 

Great.

Until yesterday, I had no idea what a bunion really was... or how to properly spell it. But now I do. Whooo!

I feel pretty weird about having a bunion foot... (Aren't bunions for old people??!) But at least I can properly identify my foot pain. I thought my foot was broken. Thank God it's not broken!!! Not broken, just bunions.

Ugh.

Ew.

Bunions.

Booooooo.

Questions of balance

Q: How do I balance my desire for inner peace with my urges to punch things (and/or people)?

Q: When I am inadvertently overwhelmed by the bad vibes and negativity of others - and my usual/regular methods of deflecting the toxicity that is being spewed in my direction/area have failed - how do I regain control of myself...my breath...when the wind has been knocked out of me and my chest (sometimes my entire body) hurts from the blow?

Q: Can I be a weight lifting, TurboKick-loving yogi/yogini?

I • L O V E • yoga.

I • L O V E • lifting heavy things and dripping with sweat.

These are kind of extreme things.

...this is a perfect reflection of my life.

I need to find the balance within my workout routine. 

I need to find the balance within my life.

This is the card I've been delt. This is the hand I must play. This is my journey.

Need a Lyft?

I completed my first real night of driving for Lyft last night.

Been talking about it for awhile.

Been all approved to do it for awhile.

Never had to courage to actually hit "driver mode" and do it...until last night.

What a disaster.

I have never been so scatter brained and felt so foolish at the hands of technology than when trying to work the Lyft app in driver mode.

Wow.

It is impossible for me to multitask while driving, anyway - also, it is against the law - and I have discovered that it is a skill I don't necessarily want to fine-tune/refine to master.

It absolutely pains me to say this: I am not good at being a Lyft driver.

It's like, hello- I am good at driving. I have a comfy and clean car. I am personable and easygoing and fun. And I can do all these things at the same time very well...with friends and family in the car...but apparently not with strangers in the car. And apparently not while obsessively watching my cell phone like a hawk to be sure I don't miss a ride request.

I must be doing something wrong.

...right?

I always do something wrong.

...that is why this is hard, right?

Self-esteem: FAIL.

 - I couldn't find some of the locations. 

 - It was impossible to find a spot to stop in front of some places to pick people up.

 - Question: When new requests come up is there supposed to be a chime or a sound? Because I didn't hear one...and then I "missed the request" and the app shut down with a sad gray balloon; shaming me for paying attention to something else (the road!) instead of my phone.

That was the worst part: the sad gray,  judgmental balloon of shame.

It made an appearance twice last night. Both times when I was in the middle of heavy intersections trying to turn left. Excuuuuuse meeeee, snobby/needy Lyft app gray balloon, for focusing on the road instead of on you. Gees. You would think that the integrity of staying safe and out of an accident was valued more (by the gray balloon). But no. If I didn't respond to the Lyft request within the first 3 seconds of seeing it (...?), I got gray ballooned. Booooo.

This isn't for me.

I totally abide by the no-cell phone while driving law and have become quite comfortable an custom 'disconnecting' during the short (or long) time I'm behind the wheel. It will take me a little while (a couple more humliating driving days) to undue my 'focus only on the road' mentaility and retrain myself to multitask.

Not sure I really want to do that.

Waaaaay too freaking stressful. :(

Oh well.

Now I know.

...back to the 2nd job drawing board.

I wish this struggle wasn't so real.

From now on, I'll just stick to being a Lyft passenger. I'm so much better at that. 

And I'm a good tipper! So if you ever pick me up, please know from the bottom of my heart that I sincerely and greatly honor you and appreciate you! This sh*t of driving people around is so hard! Thank you for your time and attention in helping me get to my destination safe and sound. 

Just a friendly reminder: Don't be a jerk. Tip your drivers.

What an After-Work Feeling

So...this is it.

T h i s • is what it feels like to come home from work, satisfied with a job well done. 

Hmmm...

...imagine THAT!

I honestly didn't think I would see this day...yet here it is.

It. Is. AWESOME. !!!.

I'm the Chair of the Ambassador Committee at work and we have a week-long event coming up; starting at the end of this week: a healthy cereal drive to promote awarness of hunger issues in our community. "Because breakfast doesn't take a summer vacation."...and kiddies and their families, if living in food-insecure households, still need access to healthy meals even though school is out.

I designed posters and fliers for the event today. All day, I was creating and designing! I am so proud of the products that I produced! I worked with a Microsoft Publisher- not the best, but way better than just Word. It was my first time making something from scratch in Publisher. I really missed my laptop and the design programs I am more familiar with. Been a long, long time since I wanted to, or had a need to, get creative and design something. I miss it! I want to do more of it!

...I need to get better at it.

I honestly feel so good right now!

I haven't felt awesome like this after a 12-hour day at a company/job... EVER. I'm doing the right thing when I'm being creative and designing. I need to go with this feeling. I owe it to myself! I hope/wish/pray that I am blessed with a new job that always (...well, most days...!) makes me feel good and satisfied and fulfilled after a short... regular... long day. :) I know that my authentic, dream job is somewhere out there...

...until I find it (...or it finds me...??), I'll just hang out and enjoy these moments. Right now. And now. And now. And now. They truly are so very far and in between. :)

xo,

AS

1 is the loneliest number...

One of the worst parts about being single - for me - is not having anyone to talk to. I mean, yeah, my coupled-up and married friends * say * they're available for chats...but are they really? No. The answer is: no.

I get it: they're busy. They have work and hobbies and significant others and events to attend and adventures to plan and go on, so yeah, making time for people who don't fit into those categories [...or better yet: invited to attend or partake in some of those catagories] is hard. 

Whatever.

We're all on our own unique, special, individual journeys - some are just lucky enough to have a co-pilot. 

So while I'm trying to figure out my next move/get my life together, I find that the person I really need to speak with is... me. I need to talk to myself; to keep it real and honest. But is it okay to keep saying things to myself outloud? I mean, at what point does talking to myself in a passing whisper of jumbled thoughts become a full-fledged, 2-way conversation? Is it normal to feel this crazy??

I don't know a lot - I'll be the first to admit it. What I do know is this: I'm probably too old to reasonably justify the existence of an imaginary friend. So...who is it okay to talk to if/when I'm by myself??

This is my current dilemma.

One • G I A N T • leap of faith

 Oops, I did it again: I dreamed some BIG (...impossible?) dreams.

I want to share my passion and love of yoga with others. I dream of being a yoga instructor.

I want to continue my education and be around like-minded intellectuals. I dream of going back to school to earn another degree.

The challenge of these dreams: m o n e y .

WTF.

Why does it cost so much to better oneself??!

I am broke as a joke.

My current salary (and job) sucks. I can pay my bills, but I cannot afford to stock my fridge. I'm hungry and tired most of the time yet my desire and determination for a better life - for living my BEST LIFE - feeds my soul and gives me the energy I need to persevere and carry on...and DREAM BIG DREAMS of success and peace of mind and happiness.

Never in a million years did I think I would be * here *...but I am. So I need to deal with it; and keep my eyes on the prize so I can move forward. "Onward and upward!" said somebody at some point, right...? Right.

I have expensive dreams and no way to pay for them.

I was blessed with a parent who treated me to an undergraduate education. My mother is a f*cking saint. Truly. I have my bachelor's degree from an out-of-state Jesuit university. Talk about a selfishly sh*tty move on my part. (Sorry Mom). I had such a horrible experience in college; I don't even use my dregree. Believe me I want to! Which is why I want to get into a certificate program to further develop and enhance my dormant PR skills.

During a personal trauma at the end of  2012 and all through 2013, yoga pretty much saved me. I can breathe through pain and tough situations - emotional, mental, physical, spiritual...the transformations that have occured during my journey to self-confidence and owning my value and worth are incredible (and continue to amaze me and stregnthen me, every day).

Today, I took the first of many steps towards achieving my goals of getting back into school and becoming a yoga instructor: I researched low-interest credit cards and applied to programs.

Money and numbers make me so f*cking nervous! Like, seriously...I have a legitimate fear of debt and being in debt. I am uncomfortable with money: I've never had a lot, and I know how quickly it can disappear and/or be taken away. I never carry cash because it is impossible for me to track what I spend it on. I save as much as I can as often as I can. I never, ever spend more than I budget or make. I am a smart, savvy shopper; I never spend my money frivolously. (And why would I?? I worked my ass off for it- I do not need to see it disappear without good rhyme or reason.) 

I am taking a huge, uncomfortably scary leap of faith by actively pursuing these dreams without the financial security to back them up. I am terrified to go into debt but I am no longer able to stay complacent and stagnant - paralyzed by this fear. 

I thought by now I would have a partner in life; a husband, a best friend, a confidant that I could discuss this with, dream with, plan with, learn and grow with... but I do not. It is only me. And I owe it to myself to be my best - to be THE best - so I can be proud of the woman I see in mirror. 

I thought by now I would have a better grip on things; that my recovery/renuilding from being homeless would be farther along. That I'd have a better job, by now; and be making more money, by now...but I don't; and I'm not. 

So...what's a girl to do?

I am going to keep dreaming and setting goals.

I am going to keep planning for my short-term and long-term future.

I am going to keep achieving and annihilating said goals. 

I am going to get up every morning with a smile and a sense if purpose. 

I am going to work hard and play hard.

I am going to give myself credit when/where credit is due.

I am going to actively pursue my dreams...passionately and tenaciously and with as little fear as possible.

I am going to leap...and trust that God and the Universe know my mind... hear my heart... guide my soul... to/towards/down the path I am supposed to travel. 

I am going to enjoy my journey - bumps, valleys, mountains, level plains and all. 

WTF...??!

Sh*tty start to the week, man. Seriously.

I'm supposed to be leaving for NE-freaking-BRASKA to be a bridesmaid in wedding. TOMORROW.

But I can't leave CA yet...because I don't have my dress. 

.

..

...

..

.

Have you ever heard of that: a bridesmaid without a dress?? 

...yeah... me neither.

I took my dress in to the seamstress I've been using for the past 3 weddings I've been in. (The dress I speak of is my 7th bridesmaid dress...) It needed obvious alterations- yet she said she would have to ready TODAY by 6p.

So I showed up at the shop right around 6p...and the doors were L O C K E D . 

...huh??

Yes, locked. 

No note on the door.

No missed call. 

No text.

No email.

Not one form of communication was attempted on her behalf to try to tell me that...something...anything came up and we'd have to reschedule.

N o t h i n g .

I gasp outloud. Several times.

I call the shop- the voicemail box is full.

I begin a Yelp note...it might be looked at in about a week. 

I draft an email- I send it.

I find the shop on Twitter- I send a tweet.

I find thd shop on Goigle+ - I send a message and a picture.

I call again...and again...and again, once more...to no avail- no one pics up and the message machine is still full. :( 

W. T. F. ...??!

My flight outta town is scheduled for 7a tomorrow...I am going to have to change that.

The shop opens tomorrow at 9a...I am glong to be rightthere.

Gimme my f*cking dress!

This is so annoyingly random and maddening.

I will never again bring my business to Sossy's Bridal and Fashon Shop in Toluca Lake. 

For. Freaking. REAL.

I'm DONE.

New month, new beginnings!

Hello, May! So happy to see you...again.

New month; new beginnings!

Continuing my wellness/fitness and inner-peace journey with two new challenges, this month:

• Spring Into PiYo Fitness Challenge

• Muffin Top Coaches-Only Fitness Challenge

Today was Day 1 for both...Monday. My longest day of the whole week. I am so freaking tired that I just want to cry. I need to edit the pics and put them on social media... C'mon Alex...c'mon Alex... C'mon Alex...!!! Get it togethet.

I got my workouts done for both challenges, yet I am still totally freaking out: it's after midnight and I just now finished my workouts. I hope Dana and Kari and the other girls aren't mad at me for being late with posting the accountably photos.  They are coming! Pinky swear! 

...I am exhausted.