It's a shame. NO- it's a celebration!

I realized recently (...as in within the last 10 mins...), that most of my life I have felt ashamed.

• Ashamed of my skin color.

• Ashamed of the texture, thickness, and curl of my hair.

• Ashamed of my name.

• Ashamed of my family.

• Ashamed of my house.

• Ashamed of my flute-playing abilities. 

• Ashamed of my drawing abilities.

• Ashamed of my baseball-playing abilities.

• Ashamed of my basketball-playing abilities.

• Ashamed of my cheerleading abilities.

• Ashamed of my dancing abilities.

• Ashamed of my daydreams.

• Ashamed of my body.

• Ashamed of my being a band geek.

• Ashamed of my passion for Shakespeare.

• Ashamed of my femininity.

• Ashamed of my vulnerability.

• Ashamed of my desire to want more.

• Ashamed of my thirst/quest to learn more.

• Ashamed of my unknown/undecided future.

• Ashamed of my status as a transfer-student.

• Ashamed of my biracial herritage.

• Ashamed of my sexual orientation.

• Ashamed of my openness and adaptability to try/experience new things.

• Ashamed of my religion.

• Ashamed of my spirituality.

• Ashamed of my two jobs.

• Ashamed of my three jobs.

• Ashamed of being dumped... again... and again...

• Ashamed of being forgotton. 

• Ashamed of being left behind. 

• Ashamed of being intentionally left out.

• Ashamed of being too old.

• Ashamed of being too young.

• Ashamed of being bored.

• Ashamed of being poor.

• Ashamed of having people skills.

• Ashamed of not having science skills. 

• Ashamed of being a late bloomer.

• Ashamed of playing with makeup.

• Ashamed of my dirty f*cking mouth.

• Ashamed of my enthusiasm/zeal and zest for life.

• Ashamed of my line process.

• Ashamed of my one job.

• Ashamed of my strength(s).

• Ashamed of my weakness(es).

• Ashamed of my singleness.

• Ashamed of my greatness.

• Ashamed of being/feeling ashamed.

It's a shame that there is all this shame!

For each one of my shames (listed above from elementary school through college), I can vividly recall a sense of joy and contentment; feelings of pleasure and inclusion, accomplishment and freedom. 

For each one of my shames (listed above from elementary school through college), I can vividly recall a comment or statement or scenario or conversation with someone who said something to me that made me feel feel horrible about myself, and therefore ashamed. 

It's funny how wisdom manifests itself over time.

Most of my shames (listed above from elementary school through college), no longer cripplingly embarrass me.

Most of my shames (listed above from elementary school through college), are now causes for most of my celebrations!

Resu...who?? ResuME!

This entire day has been dedicated to my resume. By month's end, I * WILL * have a new job. 

The time is right...isn't it, God?

The signs are everywhere...aren't they, Universe?

With a better job, comes more money. With more more money, comes peace of mind (with the relief of some financial burdens).

With peace of mind, comes less stress and self-induced pressure.

With less stress and self-induced pressure, comes joy and the ability to be present in the moment and fully appreciate the beauty and blessings that are all around.

With joy and the ability to be present in the moment and fully appreciate the beauty and blessings that are all around, comes pure, authentic, genuine happiness.

With pure, authentic, genuine happiness... my soul is alive. 

My soul is alive when I sincerely happy.

I am ready to give myself permission to see...feel...experience...and create that pure, genuine, authentic joy! The kind of joy my heart and soul craves. 

I am open and willing to do what it takes to set my soul... set my heart ...a blaze. So I can feel alive...and connected...and loved...!!!

I am ready.

Resu...ME!

To anyone who receieves my resume, Idedicate this prayer of kindness and compassion to you: please keep an open heart and mind - and open eyes - when reviewing my information and considering me for the position. Please know that I will work hard, learn a lot, and make you proud. Please know that something about your job ad and/or company intrigued me- and I believe we will be a great fit for one another. Thank you for your time and attention! I greatly appreciate your consideration.

:)

'F*ck That', A Guided Meditation for the Realities of Today's World

"..Those b*tches can't get under your skin. They can't even..."

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Laughing Squid

"You have been Recognized"

07.02.15.

Wow! I recieved an email today from my friend and co-worker with an appreciation certificate for one of the company's "values": Service.

I am so humbled.

I have no words.

I feel so honored!

I am so happy that somebody noticed me!

The office I work in is tough- positive reinforcement, kind words, encouragement and support, in general, from upper management is not high on anyone's priority list. The co-workers I've connected with - the friends I've made here - have all been pleasant surprise bonding experiences. Basically, we exchange coping mechanisms for the negativity and hostility that infects this company. 

We support and encourage each other. 

We boost each other up.

We listen to each other's frustrations.

We dry each other's tears.

We celebrate each other's victories.

I work with/around an incredible bunch of kind-hearted, ambitious, creative, funny, intelligent, talented, lovely, amazing people.

This is the first time in any job that I've had in my adult life, that I have been recognized like this by one of my peers. I am so humbled by this.

The nerd in me wishes these awards actually meant something and that upper management took note and/or saw and cared about them...but I'm pretty sure that's not the case. Oh well. Those kids upstairs are truly missing out on getting to know us awesome worker-bees. We're so rad! Totally their loss.

I first learned about the "Recognition/Appreciation Program" towards the end of 2014. I honestly • L O V E • the idea of this program! It is nice to have a platform to formally acknowledge and recognize the efforts and good deeds of co-workers and employees. I am such a huge fan of and advocate for celebrating people and their accomplishments- this program was totally made for me! Hahaa! It is right up my alley. :) It is a safe and accessible opportunity for me to be my true, happy, grateful, honest, authentic self. [...which is hard in my office/company because of all the hostility/negativity...]. 

I have challenged myself to observe and honor at least 3 of my co-workers every month. So many people work so hard, here, and their positive, outstanding efforts are rarely adressed and/or acknowledged. I have made it a mission/goal to brighten up my corner of the office by sharing some kind, truthful/honest words of gratitude with people I interact with/work with regularly. It is really fun and easy for me to do - so I do it. :)

I was daydreaming not too long ago about what it would be like to receive the email that someone sent me a recognition certificate... silly, I know. I know what it feels like to send the certificate/email, but not receive it- so I was curious... And I just have to say: it is so much better than anything I could have imagined! This gesture is so far from insignificant! When the only feedback you get is negative feedback, this pleasant reminder that you matter really, really makes a difference. It totally means a lot. 

I sincerely appreciate the time, effort, and energy that goes into filling out the recognition form. Hahaa. Thank you, my friend, for seeing me. You have truly touched my heart! You have made coming into the office bearable for another day. :)

Discover It

I did it: I signed up for my very own credit card...and I got approved! I am absolutely terrified if it, but I know I need to use it so I can better my situation.

Hi, my name is Alexeyeva; and I have a very vivid, realistic fear of debt.

I am very aware of how much money I DO NOT HAVE- so the feelings that come with financial burdens are nothing new. However, purposefully creating more dissonance and stress by buying things with money I don't have causes me to loose my breath. I physically forget how to breathe sometimes because it is so nerve wracking and uncomfortable.

...yet it is necessary. Unfortunately, embarrassingly, humbling and humiliatingly necessary. 

It wasn't always like this, you know. 

I never used to have to struggle like this... before my Gma Catherine died. That year I was homeless ate up all my savings. My cushion... my grad school fund... my travel fund... everything: GONE.

I am still so sad at that.

I'm getting better - after all it's nearly been 3 years. I am still rebuilding from that traumatic/dark time, though. I am still grieving so many losses from that horrible experience.

I am so sad that all my years of savings were wiped out due to such unnecessary and extreme circumstances that were maddeningly, 100% beyond my control.

I made it through, though.

I rolled with all punches, though.

I tended to my wounds and still know how to smile.

I survived all that betrayal and bitterness and resentment.

I am thriving.

...I don't have my big bank accounts any more, but I have my dignity, my pride. I'm re-defining my sense of self; I'm acknowledging my divine purpose. I'm learning to love and appreciate the skin I'm in. My true, honest, raw, authentic, magnificently flawed self is actually a woman I enjoy! I never gave her enough credit (haha! Pun intended). It's time for her to come out to play. :)

I have put my plans/hopes/dreams on the back burner for a really long time. Deep down I never felt like I deserved it- to work hard to get the things I want and to be happy. Still working through that rubbish...and getting better at loving myself every day. :)

I owe it to myself to be brave, right now. I wanted to be in a different place by now- but I'm not. I wanted to have a stronger grasp on my finances by now- but I don't. Truth be told: I work my a$s off at a sh*tty job for sh*tty pay. [whoop-a-dee-dooo...nothing new.] I can pay my bills- so I have a lot to be grateful for [thank you!]. I just want more out of life. I need more in my brain and in my day than - this -. And now I have an opportunity to pursue more...thanks to this credit card.

• I am honoring my soul and my goddess within and putting myself through yoga teacher training.

• I am honoring the wisdom of my mother and sister and going back to school. 

• I have created my Dream Boards for accountability and inspiration and I am ready to get to work!

I feel so blessed to be afforded the opportunity to follow some of my own immediate dreams/goals/aspirations. It's about time...and this time is • m y • t i m e . It's all about • m e • right now. And this feels good!

I'm not an over-spender or irresponsible when it comes to money. This card doesn't temp in ways it probably should. It has a specific purpose: to fund my future endeavours. That is the only purpose it will serve.

I was so thorough in my research; I was very specific with my prayers. I decided on this card for a number of reasons that work for me and my current situation. I am happy it has finally arrived. I have nothing else holding me back...but me. It's time for to get out if my own way.

It's time for me to • D I S C O V E R • my best self...with the help of my beautiful, new Discover card.

This is the feeling...

Aaahhh.

So this is what it feels like to have a good day at work.

This is what it feels like to be satisfied after a hard day's work.

This is what it feels like to be proud of the efforts I put forth to complete the tasks-at-hand.

This is what it feels like to be part of a winning team. 

This is what it feels like to be a genuine team player.

This is what it feels like to be acknowledged for a job well done. 

This is what it feels like to have a good day at work!

This!

This!

THIS!

This is how I want to feel every day at the end of the day!

This is the feeling I never thought I would have again.

This is the feeling I thought I no longer deserved to feel. 

This is the feeling that gives me hope for the future.

This is the feeling that ignites my imagination.

This is the feeling that makes my pulse race with excitement.

This is the feeling that puts a smile on my face. 

This is the feeling that fills my heart to all of its edges.

This is the feeling I want to - I need to - hold on to.

Because...

This is the feeling of joy.