Confidence in clarity

I am so grateful for honest communication - especially when I am granted clarity with/from a conversation.

HONEST communication... Not to be confused with OPEN AND HONEST communication.

Being open involves a level of transparency- free from assumptions and judgments, with the ability to listen well without jumping to conclusions or getting defensive.

From my perspective, a conversation can be horrible...yet if/when both parties are honest and - even if just for brief second - I am able to get a glimpse of understanding of/from where the other person is coming from (achieved by listening with the heart, not with the ego), I deem it a success.

We are constantly telling each other who we really are - with and without words. Some of us are much better at listening... observing... catching on...than others.

I was giving someone and some thing the benefit of the doubt - as I often do... until this afternoon. After an hour+ long conversation, I am led to believe that 1- it is pointless to try to have a connection-esque type of conversation with this person; and 2- things will never change. Comments blurted out and actions taken - and inactions taken - throughout the conversation have been logged in my memory. Such a shame.

I am done. 

I am officially done! 

And it feels so good!

Thank you for showing me your true colors. I can confidently say that I am not interested in polluting ("coloring") my life with any of the shades of condescension, detachment, judgment, or entitlement that fill your crayon box. Under different circumstances and a different corporate umbrella, I imagine that we would have worked well together. That's not the case; that's not our story. I hope your children never have a boss like you when they get into the work place.

I am grafeful for our interaction. Now I know where you stand. And now I know where I stand with you. This clarity is priceless (especially since you said I am not eligible for a merit increase)! 

I officially give myself permission to make peace with this nearly-two-year (negative... toxic... hostile... traumatic) ordeal. 

I officially have the peace of mind that I was seeking. 

I feel confident with this new found clarity!

My confidence will sustain me.

My strength will help me endure the tough time that I forsee ahead.

My faith and ability to dream BIG will keep me motivated to move forward. ALWAYS.

My tenacity and perseverence will guide me to greater, more fulfilling opportunities. 

My capacity to love will keep me humble and help me honor myself and my soul.

My forgiving nature releases me the chains and limits and boundaries I forced upon myself in order to please you.

My accepting spirit acknowledges you right where you are on your journey - today; in this moment.

In these acts, I am set free.

In these acknowledgements, I am set free.

In these thoughts, I am set free.

There is so much confidence in clarity!

Because there is clarity, I am set free.

I am set free!

...free to be ME. 

Am I on the right track? ... Am I doing it/this right?

"Am I on the right track?"

"Am I doing it/this right?"

These are the questions I constantly and consistently ask myself.

When I visit my auntie in Montana over the holidays, she includes me in her morning ritual of drawing cards from the Sacred Path Cards deck, Medicine Cards deck, and Lakota Sweat Lodge Cards deck. It has become our traidtion then to sit with the cards we drew and talk about how awesome the Universe is because the cards are just so on point with whatever we have going on in our lives.

I have finally granted myself permission to purchase my own set of cards and they arrived over the weekend! Today is my first draw from the Sacred Path Cards and the Medicine Cards. 

WHOA.

I am so pleased with these cards- I am excited and nervous to dive deeper into myself and my life (in general) - but the sign I was searching for and/or the outward validation that I (thought) I needed about the path I'm currently traveling on have been manifested. 

I • A M • on the right track!

I • A M • doing it/this right!

I prayed over the Sacred Path Cards for wisdom, strength, clarity, and guidance... and then I pulled the Dreamtime card. I wanted to know what totem animal would accompany my Dreamtime card today, and here appeared Bear. 

The readings in the books that accompany these cards go hand-in-hand. :)

I knew I had my work cut out for me when I started on this journey of yoga and unconditional self-love, appreciation, and acceptance. These cards pulled today are perfect proof.

I have some hard decisions to make, soon... But I know they will result in my much needed/sought-after peace of mind and expansion of heart. Until I am ready to solidify those plans/decisions, I will continue to dream big, seek the truth around me and in me, speak my truth, live my truth, keep an open mind to all of the possibilities and opportunities that may arise- or seek me, and have the strength to turn inward whenever necessary- to rest, reflect, meditate, get centered...so I can be reborn with the rising of the sun and face the challenges of the day with wisdom, sophistication, patience, and grace. 

Ew... A whaaaat??!

Ew.

I have a bunion on my foot. My right foot! It has a bunion. 

According to medicaldictionary.com, my foot is deformed. 

Great.

Until yesterday, I had no idea what a bunion really was... or how to properly spell it. But now I do. Whooo!

I feel pretty weird about having a bunion foot... (Aren't bunions for old people??!) But at least I can properly identify my foot pain. I thought my foot was broken. Thank God it's not broken!!! Not broken, just bunions.

Ugh.

Ew.

Bunions.

Booooooo.

Questions of balance

Q: How do I balance my desire for inner peace with my urges to punch things (and/or people)?

Q: When I am inadvertently overwhelmed by the bad vibes and negativity of others - and my usual/regular methods of deflecting the toxicity that is being spewed in my direction/area have failed - how do I regain control of myself...my breath...when the wind has been knocked out of me and my chest (sometimes my entire body) hurts from the blow?

Q: Can I be a weight lifting, TurboKick-loving yogi/yogini?

I • L O V E • yoga.

I • L O V E • lifting heavy things and dripping with sweat.

These are kind of extreme things.

...this is a perfect reflection of my life.

I need to find the balance within my workout routine. 

I need to find the balance within my life.

This is the card I've been delt. This is the hand I must play. This is my journey.

Need a Lyft?

I completed my first real night of driving for Lyft last night.

Been talking about it for awhile.

Been all approved to do it for awhile.

Never had to courage to actually hit "driver mode" and do it...until last night.

What a disaster.

I have never been so scatter brained and felt so foolish at the hands of technology than when trying to work the Lyft app in driver mode.

Wow.

It is impossible for me to multitask while driving, anyway - also, it is against the law - and I have discovered that it is a skill I don't necessarily want to fine-tune/refine to master.

It absolutely pains me to say this: I am not good at being a Lyft driver.

It's like, hello- I am good at driving. I have a comfy and clean car. I am personable and easygoing and fun. And I can do all these things at the same time very well...with friends and family in the car...but apparently not with strangers in the car. And apparently not while obsessively watching my cell phone like a hawk to be sure I don't miss a ride request.

I must be doing something wrong.

...right?

I always do something wrong.

...that is why this is hard, right?

Self-esteem: FAIL.

 - I couldn't find some of the locations. 

 - It was impossible to find a spot to stop in front of some places to pick people up.

 - Question: When new requests come up is there supposed to be a chime or a sound? Because I didn't hear one...and then I "missed the request" and the app shut down with a sad gray balloon; shaming me for paying attention to something else (the road!) instead of my phone.

That was the worst part: the sad gray,  judgmental balloon of shame.

It made an appearance twice last night. Both times when I was in the middle of heavy intersections trying to turn left. Excuuuuuse meeeee, snobby/needy Lyft app gray balloon, for focusing on the road instead of on you. Gees. You would think that the integrity of staying safe and out of an accident was valued more (by the gray balloon). But no. If I didn't respond to the Lyft request within the first 3 seconds of seeing it (...?), I got gray ballooned. Booooo.

This isn't for me.

I totally abide by the no-cell phone while driving law and have become quite comfortable an custom 'disconnecting' during the short (or long) time I'm behind the wheel. It will take me a little while (a couple more humliating driving days) to undue my 'focus only on the road' mentaility and retrain myself to multitask.

Not sure I really want to do that.

Waaaaay too freaking stressful. :(

Oh well.

Now I know.

...back to the 2nd job drawing board.

I wish this struggle wasn't so real.

From now on, I'll just stick to being a Lyft passenger. I'm so much better at that. 

And I'm a good tipper! So if you ever pick me up, please know from the bottom of my heart that I sincerely and greatly honor you and appreciate you! This sh*t of driving people around is so hard! Thank you for your time and attention in helping me get to my destination safe and sound. 

Just a friendly reminder: Don't be a jerk. Tip your drivers.